Sunday, November 27, 2005

I'm an Adult Homosexual

My dad is a chronic walker. I mean, he has walked about five miles a day since I can remember. We grew up in upstate New York, where snow banks were higher than snow plows, and not even a nasty Alberta clipper could deter him. Secretly, I think it was an excuse to get the hell away from my mother. No wonder his walks are a bit longer these days.
So there's also an added bonus to these mini-marathons- they're a ripe opportunity to talk to my Dad about stuff. My brother, sister and I have gone through the famously-themed walks: the "College Walk", the "I'm Moving Away Walk", and the "You've Fucked Up Walk". Stephen went on a few of those.
There are some walks that are targeted- they've both gone through the "I'm Getting Married Walk" and I've had the pleasure of strolling around for the "Coming out of the Closet Walk".
Now, after this past Turkey Day, I can add the "I'm an Adult Homosexual Walk" to the list. In case you missed it in the last post, I'll be moving to Phoenix in July with my boyfriend. However, my parents unconsciously replaced "boyfriend" with "roommate", so they were a bit confused about the situation. I thought it best to hash it out on a walk. (which coincidentally lasted seven miles.) I'll be honest here- my dad totally kicks ass. In fact, he can probably kick your dad's ass. He had a surprisingly good idea of what my future plans with Chris were... he just didn't quite have the terminology down. Take, for instance, the word: H-O-M-O-S-E-X-U-A-L. I feel like a deviant typing it out. Well my dad can't get enough of it. Nothing was spared the clinical label... he even called the gay pride flag a homosexual flag. He's been swayed by one-too-many Catholic Church bulletin attacks. I tried to seed "ass bandit" or "nelly faggot" in wherever I could, but I don't think he felt comfortable with those expressions at all. Dammit, enough of this. I should just be thankful he's on board. Considering how far he's come since the "Coming out of the Closet" walk, I think I'll be able to live with "homosexual". I just can't wait to see how he refers to Chris. He may start adopting "nelly faggot" sooner than he thinks. Kidding.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Turkey, Potatoes, and a Hand Grenade.

My brother, sister and I have, out of necessity, formed a united front when we gather at home for the holidays. I honestly can't remember the last time a family get-together didn't erupt in some cataclysmic argument... most always ignited by my irrational and slightly intoxicated mother. Sometimes she starts with the blitzkreig frontal assault, like the Panzer division smashing through France. You see it coming, but it can't be stopped. Other times, she takes the Pearl Harbor approach- you're fantasizing about the neighbor's hot new gardener, you ask for more gravy, and WHAM! you've morphed into a full-fledged attack on abortion and the Catholic church.
The three of us have learned to stick together because... division... well, that's like blood to a shark.

This year's Thanksgiving holiday is shaping up to be quite different. My brother and sister will be in Philadelphia and I am fending for myself. The problem is, the Panzer division started rolling through France about a week ago and I'll be skipping through the front door right about the time Paris is seiged. My sister and I chatted about it today, and she laid out my proposed itinerary for Thanksgiving:

9am-10am: Breakfast and friendly discussion about Mom's alcohol problem.
10am-11am: Brisk walk outside.
12pm-1pm: Lunch! And heart-to-heart about Stephen's money management, marriage, and apparent lack of concern regarding new job.
1pm-2pm: Another brisk walk outside. (Florida is lovely this time of year.)
4pm-5pm: Cocktails!
6pm-7pm: Fireside chat about my relocation to Phoenix with boyfriend.
7pm-8:30pm: Mmm...Everyone loves turkey! Complete with a lively debate!
On the defense: Dad will argue for the merits of his Haiti trip in February, where he will be doing pro-bono surgery for ailing natives. On the offense: Mom will argue against the trip, using irrefutable claims like... lack of shopping and unkempt bathrooms. (I hate to take bets here, but I think Mom's got this one locked down!)

Chris was surely dissapointed that he wouldn't be able to spend time with me over the holiday. But he wasn't aware that I had been drafted into war. And to naively think that I was above the legal drafting age limit...

Saturday, November 05, 2005

ENFJ vs. ISFJ

Most people have probably heard of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. But I don't know many that have actually completed the battery of questions, which reduces your entire personality into four letters. My sister, an anomaly in many ways, can work her Myers-Briggs results into any conversation. "I would like the mandarin chicken salad, dressing on the side. And I'm an ENTJ."
Actually, my sister and her husband took this test as pre-marriage prep, in an effort to understand their differences. The idea is that, with this understanding, they'd be able to recognize and appreciate eachother's individuality, especially in times of stress- like during tax-season... or really bad traffic.
Chris and I have been together about a year now, and we've had a few disagreements along the way. He typically recovers from these lapses in clarity, recognizes the error of his ways and apologizes profusely. However, I've detected a pattern, and while I'm no Myers or Briggs, I would wager the Pontiac that Chris is an ISFJ.

I: Introverted- Yes... contrary to his former circuit days, when he used to hop around the club floor like a tick on a donkey, he's quite content to stay at home. Me too, if by "home" you mean "bar", "swimming pool", or "not home".

S: Sensing- Chris is realistic and practical. He's detailed and methodical. Let me cite an example- when his computer refused to boot-up last summer, he reformatted the hard-drive and re-installed MS Windows. Three times. In one week. I would have thrown the fucker in the pool if I had to re-install the mouse driver.

F: Feeling- I think this has to be a gay tendency thing? Both of us tend to make decisions based on personal values and feelings. Read: We can be hateful, evil bitches when we don't get our way.

J: Judging- We both like to live life in a planned, orderly way. Albeit some are more anal than others, making task lists and crossing them off. In fact, I might be so bold to say that some of us do the task, then write aforementioned task down on the list, just to get the orgasmic satisfaction of the cross-off. You people are sick. Seek help.

Myers-Briggs is by no means a compatibility test; it's merely a tool to assess the differences in the way that people focus their attention, absorb information, and make decisions. And yes, I copied that from the damn website. It's late and I'm tired.
So the next question to tackle would address how to effectively turn these differences into an advantage.
However these answers were on a subscription-only portion of the website and I'm a cheap bastard. I guess we've got the rest of our lives to figure out those answers the hard way.