Tuesday, September 05, 2006


I spend a good portion of the workday quietly sitting in a cube, amidst a floor of technical engineers and internet security architects. I happen to be neither and, after listening to the technocratic shit that spews over one cube wall into the next, I really have no desire to change the direction of my career. Once in a while, though, these boneheads make me laugh.
Last week, there was an apparent issue with website blocking. I only know this because at about 6pm, a flustered architect waddled his fat ass into my cube in a frantic huff.

“You’ve got to help me. My team has gone home and I need to test a security patch.”

Umm… okay. A better start would have been, “Hello my name is… but whatever. I nodded my head in acknowledgement. I’m ready to accept my mission, Fat Technical Man.

“Could you pull up Playboy.com? Tell we what you see. I need to know if we’re blocking.”

First of all, he obviously didn’t want the web sniffer linking Playboy.com to HIS account. Sure, let the “random new guy that dresses well” take the fall. I may be queer, but I’m not a fucking idiot.
Secondly, even if he did guarantee me absolution, I could certainly come up with a better boundary test than Playboy.com- something with “sling” in the URL, definitely a foreign domain, perhaps some streaming video of a little sheep banging. Chalk it up to the QA analyst in me.
After this dim flicker of creativity, I realized that improving his test wasn’t my project or even my job. And this fat guy was just looming in the cube doorway, absorbing all the oxygen and blocking all the light. It was like he was using some creepy jedi-mind control. I couldn't breathe. I just wanted him to go away. So I mindlessly plodded in his request. Of course it didn’t work. I showed him my screen. He smiled and waddled away… his reason for existence staring back at me from the screen: WARNING: YOU HAVE ACCESSED A RESTRICTED SITE. No doubt I’ve been blacklisted as an internet porn addict now.


Blogger J. said...

aww.. haha oldest trick in the book

10:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"new guy who dresses well"...new for sure..dressing well? I've seen some of your outfits.

8:11 AM  
Anonymous jantzen said...

As Michael's roomie for almost two years, I can attest to the fact that he does indeed dress pretty well for work. Some of his skirts may flirt dangerously above the knee, but overall ... tasteful, appropriate, and stylish even. However, Mikey, I hope you've put a little more attention on the shoes. ;)

11:23 AM  
Blogger Darin said...

That being said, Jantzen -

He's still a Mary Perv.

3:59 AM  

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